once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
