Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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