The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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