I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
