Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
