His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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