when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
