either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
