hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
