Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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