I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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