I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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