Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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