i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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