Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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