Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
