if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
