Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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