just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
