when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So much rum. So many feels.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
