I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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