I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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