Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
