I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
