He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
