We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
