If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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