so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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