We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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