I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
