I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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