I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
