Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
