I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
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