my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
