My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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