You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just found puke in my bra..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
