I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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