Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
