I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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