i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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