I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
