anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
