you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
