i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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