You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
