dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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