guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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