3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
