Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
