i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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