i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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