you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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