You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
